By James Brady
Boys, girls, non-binaries and everything else in between, it is with a heavy heart that I must inform all of you that Jimmy Garoppolo has lost a regular season game as a starting quarterback. I realize there were other players involved in the loss, most notably a very good Minnesota Vikings defense, but seeing our late-2017 season and offseason hero go down with three interceptions has had some adverse effects on my psyche.
I am thinking quite clearly when I state, matter-of-factly, that the San Francisco 49ers are well and truly doomed.
Gosh, I know what you’re thinking: “James, what the heck? I thought you were feeling positive about things?” and I get what you’re saying. I’m just as bummed out as you are. In between bouts of crying into my pillow and admiring my Garoppolo phone wallpaper, I realized that it’s best to go with my gut. And my gut, while ample in size and eerily intimidating to normal-sized humans, is rarely wrong.
Me? I’m doomed. We are all doomed, with absolutely nothing to suggest the opposite might be true. Pessimism is the only true course here, and I’m more than happy to be standing at the helm of this broken-down, decrepit ship of doom, steering us all right into the gaping maw of our own existential crisis. It’s not a role I asked for, but one I gladly adopted when it was clear a leader of mediocre skill, intelligence and charisma was...